© M. Keaton, 1998

Studio: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking story from the TTAR Storm Team. Weather has been sighted in the Lake Orion area and may be headed for your home. We go now to our man in the field. Grog, are your there?

Studio: We don’t want to start a panic but tell us what its like out there.

Studio: Thank you Grog, we appreciate the risks you take to keep us informed now get under some cover.

Studio: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official, we have weather in the Lake Orion area. Do not panic until we tell you to. In the meantime, stay indoors and keep watching the TTAR Storm Team for further updates.

Studio: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this update of the growing weather threatening to engulf the Lake Orion area. Let’s look at our Dumber Forty Thousand Street Level Radar.

voice-over (studio): You can see here from our street level radar that we do indeed have streets.

Studio: We recommend that you go immediately to the most cramped and uncomfortable portion of your home or business. Bring all your family members, pets, scissors, and other pointy objects and cling together for safety. Leave all your valuables behind. YOU are more important than possessions; bring only your television so that we may continue to keep you advised of this growing weather system.

Studio: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this update of the weather engulfing the Lake Orion area. We have a cellular phone link with our man on the scene who is currently caught in the throws of the storm. Grog, can you hear us?

Grog (voice-over): Only when I hold phone to ear.

Studio: Grog, what’s it like out there?

Grog (voice-over while studio stares stupidly at screen as if listening intently): It’s worse than ever. We got puddles. I never seen it this bad, these things like two feet wide and may-be two, three inch deep. I been on storm team ever since last guy killed in the great breeze tragedy of ninety-three an’ I ain’t never seen dis much weather.

Studio: What do you recommend for our viewers to do?

Grog(voice-over): Panic, maybe pee pants too.

Studio: There you have it, solid weather advice from a veteran storm teamer. Please, stay in your homes, even if these dangerous puddles dry up, there may be periods of blinding sun making it difficult to drive.

Studio (dark): We interrupt your . . . aw heck, we’re doomed. I’ve turned off the lights and cannot find the on switch. Grog has been electrocuted bravely trying to rescue an extension cord from a mud puddle with his teeth and a paper clip. Run for your lives!